


147

by lostscaredandalone



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Feelings, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, No Dialogue, Oneshot, Relationship Study, major spoilers for ch.84
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 03:27:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13895265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostscaredandalone/pseuds/lostscaredandalone
Summary: A short look into Levi's thoughts after Erwin's death.(Inspired by a Shakespearean sonnet)





	147

**Author's Note:**

> I'll start this off by saying that chapter 84 didn't really sink in for me for a long time. There's a lot of thoughts I had that I couldn't really put into words and this is a piece to help me try to make sense of it. If it's confusing and jumbled, it's partly because I wanted to portray that the thoughts were just as frantic. I know it's short, but I guess that's nothing really new for me.

_ “My love is as a fever, longing still _

_ For that which longer nurseth the disease, _

_ Feeding on that which doth preserve the ill, _

_ The uncertain sickly appetite to please. _

_ My reason, the physician to my love, _

_ Angry that his prescriptions are not kept, _

_ Hath left me, and I desperate now approve _

_ Desire is death, which physic did except. _

_ Past cure I am, now reason is past care, _

_ And frantic-mad with evermore unrest; _

_ My thoughts and my discourse as madmen's are, _

_ At random from the truth vainly express'd; _

_ For I have sworn thee fair and thought thee bright, _

_ Who art as black as hell, as dark as night.” _

-William Shakespeare, Sonnet 147

 

 

 

_ “Make a choice you’ll regret the least.”  _

 

But he was such a hypocrite. 

 

_ “Don’t regret the decisions you’ve already made.” _

 

It was the words he swore to live by. The words of advice to give the wide-eyed, teary brats. 

 

Yet the regret clawed at his chest relentlessly. His mind was full of bright blue eyes, bright hopes of a world beyond the walls, untamed blond curls, warm hands, warm smile,  _ Erwin, Erwin, Erwin.  _

 

His head was swirling with  _ what if’s.  _ What if he had chosen to save Erwin? Would he be resentful? Thankful? What would his next plan be? Would he even have one? What would be of the Corps with their renewed bright blue beacon of hope? Their proud,  _ infallible  _ Commander?

 

The guilt, the regret, the hopelessness was eating away at him bit by bit. The hole in his chest that was once occupied by Erwin was now rotting along with the formerly smooth, flawless skin that had covered the man’s cheekbones. 

 

The thought of Erwin rotting away in that attic brought a new wave of nausea and built up anger. 

 

Erwin deserved more than that. He deserved to be burned away with the rest of the scouts that died fighting alongside him. He always wanted the Corps to see him as an equal person. Wanted to be equal in life as well as death. 

 

He didn’t deserve to be a speculation for the people who wanted nothing more than to see him fail. 

 

He didn’t deserve to be carved in stone to be remembered as a stoic, unfeeling man. 

 

He deserved literature. He deserved to be portrayed with not only his success and achievements; but also his flaws and hardships. He deserved to mold into the form of the books he cared so much for. The books that told of the world outside the walls. The books he would recite with his stunningly bright gaze; telling of the ocean and the mountains and the canyons and the great waterfalls. 

 

He deserved poetry that flowed and rippled like the lull of his soothing voice. Poetry that portrayed his love, his hopes, his dreams. He deserved blistering, passionate stories to portray his adrenaline and his ambition. 

 

Yet, he was rotting away to bone under the harsh green cape embellished with the Survey Corps emblem. 

 

The symbol meant to depict freedom from the walls, when the irony is; the only freedom in this world was the exemption from the endless fighting and grief. 

 

Even with the wings displayed on his chest, he is hauntingly reminded that Erwin may never rest. He will always be weighed down and reflected over the expectation of freeing humanity. He will always be seen as another Commander who could not free them from the walls.

 

Another sharp stab of pain as he realized that, had he chosen to spare Erwin, humanity may have achieved freedom. After all, no one was able to strategize like Erwin. 

 

_ Selfish.  _

 

_ Erwin is dead because you’re selfish.  _

 

He chose Armin to spare Erwin from this hell. He gave Erwin a humble, heroic end. Death in defending humanity. Death in being human. Humanity will never see Erwin as anything but human. While they may see him as a monster for sending hundreds to their death, he will never be seen as a monster in the form of the titans they had spent their lives trying to defeat.

 

He gave Erwin death in hopes that he will always look as peaceful as he did then. His face more relaxed than it had been in weeks. He looked like he was sleeping. 

 

He let Erwin sleep. 

 

No; he let Erwin die. 

 

He doesn’t know which one is more truthful. 

 

Either way, it’s done. 

 

Erwin is dead and he is never coming back. 

 

However, one question still rang through his head, obnoxious and constant: 

 

_ What would Erwin want after death? _

 

He decides he’ll write a book. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I appreciate every one of you. Remember, feedback helps me to grow and improve. I promise I don't bite!


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